Blog Archives - #beyondgender

Gratefulness

11/18/2015

Rainbow Turtle

11/12/2015

I use acrylic paint on canvas and plywood mostly, but this time I have recycled the fabric from an double air mattress. I am interested in the global affects of human consumption and pollution, especially the impact on animal and sea life. I am also Transgender and have a keen interest in the gender diversity changes to animals due to global warming. Many scientific experts are concerned that the increasing temperatures around the world are causing a dramatic increase in the number of female sea turtle numbers, as their nests of eggs are exposed to warmer temperatures. This imbalance of female and male numbers adds to their plight, as they are regularly caught in fishing nets, exposed to marine debris, and being illegally fished. Habitat loss and degradation have also contributed to this beautiful marine animal becoming endangered. Six of the seven global marine turtles species are found in Australian waters.

A Brief Interview With Sean

11/11/2015

I made this 6 minute video to see if I could make something on my own. I had to learn how to use editing software again, but proud of the result. I used Wondershare in the end.
It is hard to think of positive stories when you first start out trying to think of your journey in a positive light, but with a good sense of humour it is possible.

Man & Woman

11/8/2015

I made these collages 10 years ago, 6 months before I started Testosterone. I wanted to create something which expressed how I felt about gender stereotypes and the media's representation of men and women.

Positive Affirmations

11/4/2015

I really like Buddhist prayer flags and positive affirmations. It is hard to write positive things about yourself when you first start out, but it is definitely helpful and I'm getting better at it. Some of these statements stem from things my friends and family say about me and some are about acceptance and ways that I can stay safe.

The Darkness

11/3/2015

I’ve been attending Trauma Counselling recently, in order to investigate the emotional harm that I experienced growing up Transgender and to hopefully heal some of those emotional wounds. I wrote this piece after the last session.

The darkness

It’s a black fog
Not a black dog
It surrounds me
Consumes me
Wraps me up
Ties me up
Makes me weak
Makes it bleak
Destroys hope
How to cope?

Darkest thoughts
Worst haunts
Self-hate swims
The curse wins
It breaks me
Drains me
I’m all alone
With no home
No path ahead
Just the dread

The child cries
Dreaming dies
Blackness again
Twisting pain
Drama unseen
World is mean
Everyone stares
No one cares
Nowhere to hide
Trapped inside

When I was very young I started losing my joy and there was no one to listen to the darkness within me, no one to share my scary thoughts with and nowhere that was truly safe. I was trapped inside my own body and my own mind. I was cursed. There was no way out and no answers. Crying myself to sleep became a pattern and it was the only coping strategy I had for a long time. I would lay awake at night wondering why no one came in to check on me and make sure I was ok, no one to say reassuring things to me in my distress. Didn’t they know how hard my day was? All that pretending was so exhausting. Every day was the same. I didn’t know how I got through each day. I just wanted to die. I had nothing to live for anyway. The world was better off without me. Everyone would be happier if I just disappeared. I was a burden. There was no place for me in the world. Nowhere I fitted in.

I know people reached out. I know they tried. They tried really hard. But no one could convince me that the world was a safe place. People were picked on for being different and I was so different. I never met anyone like me. Who was I supposed to look up to? Where were my role models? How was I going to make it in this world?

I sometimes think about that child. I wish I could meet her face-to-face and tell her that everything would be ok. I would let her cry in my arms until there were no more tears. I would do everything in my power to make her feel wanted and to feel that she belongs in the world. I would tell her about all the amazing and loving people she would meet in the future and the positive impact she would have on these people. I would tell her that the pain that she feels makes her good at empathy and that she would meet many people who felt the same as her. I would tell her about all the good people in the world, creative people, environmentalists, activists, people who work in 3rd World countries and who help animals. I would tell her that she will make friends for life and that together they would change to world and make it a better place. I would ask her to keep herself safe until these people come into her life and I would give her a list of safe people she had already met and a list of people who care deeply for her. I wouldn’t let her fall asleep thinking that no one cared.

Is it selfish to want a time machine just to visit this child?