I’ve been attending Trauma Counselling recently, in order to investigate the emotional harm that I experienced growing up Transgender and to hopefully heal some of those emotional wounds. I wrote this piece after the last session.
It’s a black fog Not a black dog It surrounds me Consumes me Wraps me up Ties me up Makes me weak Makes it bleak Destroys hope How to cope?
Darkest thoughts Worst haunts Self-hate swims The curse wins It breaks me Drains me I’m all alone With no home No path ahead Just the dread
The child cries Dreaming dies Blackness again Twisting pain Drama unseen World is mean Everyone stares No one cares Nowhere to hide Trapped inside
When I was very young I started losing my joy and there was no one to listen to the darkness within me, no one to share my scary thoughts with and nowhere that was truly safe. I was trapped inside my own body and my own mind. I was cursed. There was no way out and no answers. Crying myself to sleep became a pattern and it was the only coping strategy I had for a long time. I would lay awake at night wondering why no one came in to check on me and make sure I was ok, no one to say reassuring things to me in my distress. Didn’t they know how hard my day was? All that pretending was so exhausting. Every day was the same. I didn’t know how I got through each day. I just wanted to die. I had nothing to live for anyway. The world was better off without me. Everyone would be happier if I just disappeared. I was a burden. There was no place for me in the world. Nowhere I fitted in.
I know people reached out. I know they tried. They tried really hard. But no one could convince me that the world was a safe place. People were picked on for being different and I was so different. I never met anyone like me. Who was I supposed to look up to? Where were my role models? How was I going to make it in this world?
I sometimes think about that child. I wish I could meet her face-to-face and tell her that everything would be ok. I would let her cry in my arms until there were no more tears. I would do everything in my power to make her feel wanted and to feel that she belongs in the world. I would tell her about all the amazing and loving people she would meet in the future and the positive impact she would have on these people. I would tell her that the pain that she feels makes her good at empathy and that she would meet many people who felt the same as her. I would tell her about all the good people in the world, creative people, environmentalists, activists, people who work in 3rd World countries and who help animals. I would tell her that she will make friends for life and that together they would change to world and make it a better place. I would ask her to keep herself safe until these people come into her life and I would give her a list of safe people she had already met and a list of people who care deeply for her. I wouldn’t let her fall asleep thinking that no one cared.
Is it selfish to want a time machine just to visit this child?